Things I’d Like To See In “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon 2″

By Jon Chattman | February 4, 2013


For the most part, sequel to iconic films tend to disappoint. For every Godfather and X2, there seem to be dozens upon dozens of films like Arthur 2: On the Rocks or Another 48 Hours. Yep, sometimes too much of a good thing turns out to be a bad thing. This week some out-of-left-field news dropped when various news outlets reported that filming will begin this year on a follow-up to the 2000 Oscar-winning martial arts classic Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. That film, which starred Chow Yun Fat and Zhang Ziyi, garnered ten Oscar nominations (winning four), was a worldwide smash, raking up over 200 million, and propelled director Ang Lee to the A-List. This Chinese film, in my opinion ( you expected someone elses?), was a near-perfect film, and got robbed of a Best Picture win. With that said, the news of a sequel seems as necessary as trying to teach a real cat to recite the fictional MC Skat Kat’s verses of Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract.” It’s going to be very difficult to live up to the first film’s hype, and I say this even though the film was based on a Wang Dulu novel that actually has a follow-up of its own.

Since so many sequels have tried and failed to live up to the promise of an original, I’m suggesting several ways in which the producers and everyone involved can intentionally fail. Why spend all that time and money on a film that probably has no shot at recapturing the goods anyway? At the very least, my suggestions would make this sequel unpredictable and fun.

- Replace choreographer Yuen Woo Ping’s work with the choreographers behind this.

- Have McGruff the crime-fighting dog solve key plot twists

- Add Ken Watanabe, and have him portray a character from the future with a secret fascination with Richard Simmons’ “Sweating to the Oldies” tapes

- Add the subtitle “Electric Boogaloo”

- Cast Tiger Woods as “Dragon” and a Kardashian as the “Tiger”

- Have Michael Bay direct it

- Resurrect Vic Tayback of “Alice” fame via CGI and make him refuse all orders

- Hire Peter Cetera to perform the theme song

- Replace the Bamboo forest fighting with Smoky the Bear fighting fires

- Introduce the film as Trans and Chow Yun Fat Free

- Incorporate former professional wrestler George “The Animal” Steele and have him infatuated with Michelle Yeoh’s character

- Have Trent Reznor score the film

- Have Quentin Tarantino narrate the film with his Django Australian accent

- Fire Peter Cetera, and hire Steve Perry to perform the theme song

- Cast Ted Williams’ frozen head as the villain

- Add “Tyler Perry Presents” before the title

- Fire Steve Perry, and have rapper Snow perform the theme song

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