David Archuleta wins American Idol

The finale isn’t until tomorrow, but it’s pretty safe that David Archuleta will win American Idol. The 17-year-old singer won rave reviews across the board from the judges Tuesday night, and will soundly defeat rocker David Cook to take the crown this year.

I didn’t love either contestant, but I think this one was in the bag since week one. I mean I think Archuleta farted into the microphone instead of singing during week 7 and Randy Jackson told him he was amazing and “molten lava hot.” He could’ve shit in a bag, and sang “Rico Suave” through it, and Randy would be like “dude, you could sing the phone book.” In any event, congrats to David Archuleta. Next year, I’m trying out. I can’t sing but I wants to be famous. You feel me, dawg? That homeless kid just got a contract – you know that annoying kid who lived in a car before Hollywood week? Yeah, him. He got a deal. I want to be next. I mean even William Hung is milking the tit five years later.